Alone
One of the worst things about being freshly divorced is being alone. I don’t know, maybe its not so bad if you’re the one who did the leaving, but when you were left I’ll tell you its bad sometimes. There are times when I find myself just standing there looking into the kitchen cabinet blankly, thinking about what to make. Because you know, its hard to figure out what you want to make for yourself. It used to be that you had another opinion. Now its just you. And you have to make decisions like that. Little stupid decisions that shouldn’t matter for shit, suddenly can make you feel just terrible.
For example, I was folding some clothes a little bit ago and I started to fold them one way, the way I always used to fold them. But I stopped, unfolded them and folded them the way she always wanted them folded. After I did it I stopped for a second, just stared at the clothes and though, “What the fuck was that?” I didn’t unfold it again and fold it the way I liked to fold it, instead I just stared at it for a few more moments thinking about all the times we joked back and forth over stupid stuff like that. It never mattered, but it was always pointed out when we folded clothes.
So, yeah, stuff like that. Being alone. Having to fold clothes, make food, watch TV, decide if opening that bottle of wine is a good idea, because, well, you’re alone and it used to be a “together” activity to have wine. Along with eating dinner, and everything else in your life. And now, you’re alone trying to figure out who you are again. I guess on the upside, you don’t have to ask if she’ll have a problem with you brewing beer. Or if it’s ok to take off to the Swell for the weekend. Or spending hours working on the car. So there are ups. But when you’d committed yourself to someone, you kinda resigned yourself to being OK with discussing those things.
As everyone has said, and will say, it just takes time. In time I won’t assume that every interaction with women will just take me down the route of despair. I’ll stop thinking, “Oh yeah, you’re great, and hot and this is going good! But in seven and a half years you’ll just run off with a fucking grad student too!” But for now, I’ll just keep figuring out how to make meals for one, and yes, opening that bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for myself. Because why the fuck not?
Age is not a barrier – meaning: me going through this later in life appears to be much the same as you – being left behind is what hurts and it takes a lot of getting used to doing all those daily rituals by yourself. Keep on keeping on.
Thank you. It is simply a matter of moving on. We don’t have a choice, unfortunately. We tried to do what we thought was best by our spouses, only to find that they had other plans that didn’t include us. So, yes, keep on keeping on.